This page was entered from my paper diary on 13 April 2017.
Amazing how little I know about myself or anybody else. What the hell ever made me get
mixed up with Marijke or her crowd?
Surely at this stage in my life I should know what my aims are, what sort of woman would
match with me, or whatever. I suppose I could excuse myself with some offshoot of
partioticism [sic], which is in any case somewhat reduced since meeting some Aussie
nongs in London last month while working
with Rummel on
the U1110. [But why
consider them typical? After all, in any society I would only choose the best 2% according
to my criteria]. Still, now there is Doris, whom
I have known for over 3 months, and hardly mentioned, but who has suddenly become important
to me; last weekend i proposed to her, for reasons beyond my comprehension - but
oh Doris, I do love you, and maybe you really are
my chosen Lebensgefährtin. Oh Doris, I miss you
anyway, and what the hell. Maybe Leone is
right - I am being too fussy. But then, I compare all women to her...
Do I really love Doris more than I
did Sue? Or is it just the effects of the
passage of time? On my on-line memory alone not,
“On-line” meaning directly accessible, as opposed to being backed up on tape.
then I have this diary as a backup, and that shows precious little of emotional intent
towards Sue (when it's all boiled down, and
assuming no main memory failures, I didn't really get that romantically (as opposed, in all
senses, to sexually) deeply involved with Sue
for at least 8 months. The companionship was there before that, but love? I hate to say
nasty things about Sue, I only wish I knew
myself: experience is supposed to be the best teacher, but it's not much good if you forget
it.
And looking back from 44 years later, it's clear how easy it is to forget the details.
But looking back from that perspective, I think that my purpose in writing the diary
changed between 1970 and 1973, so these considerations are not overly useful.
Ach, zum Teufel! Doris, ich will Dich lieben,
wie sonst Mann nie Frau geliebt hat! Ich habe nur Angst um meine und deine Menschlichkeit,
und daß due meinst, ich brauche nur einmal untreu zu sein,um dich dazu zu veranlassen, mich
zu verlassen. Das kann ich aber nicht glauben: ich möchte es fast daher ausprobieren, doch
kann ich dir nicht untreu sein: wohl aber mit einem anderen Mädchen schlafen, was mir was
völlig anderes ist.
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